Moving Forward

Posted: December 26, 2015 in Uncategorized
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movingforwardphoto

My story of loss is now at the three-year mark. Throughout my life no other three-year time period has ever been so long and yet so short. How have I survived three long years without my life’s partner? In the early days, the hours were  excruciating and  I couldn’t wait for sleep to bring relief. At the same time, how can it have only been three short years since I had him by my side? So much has happened that in some ways the time has flown by. Only others who’ve walked the grief journey can truly relate.

I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to feel at this three-year anniversary of Patrick’s death. Overall, I am doing well. Day by day I continue to move forward. For the most part, the load is lighter; the fog has cleared. The waves of intense pain are less often and have a shorter duration. I cry easily, but can smile as the tears flow. I don’t fear the emotion; I let it out and keep going.

When people tell me I’m doing better, I’m not sure how to react. I know such words are spoken out of love and meant for encouragement, so I choose to receive them that way. If someone says they know Patrick would be proud of me, those words touch me deeply. Although I’m not living to please him, it’s a bittersweet thought that he would think I was continuing to make the right choices in following the Lord.

Several significant events happened this year that the Lord gave me the desire and the strength to carry out. Early in the year, I received a promotion at work that better fit my skill set and gave me more flexibility. It requires more leadership and initiative, which in turn, has increased my confidence. I am enjoying the corporate world and am becoming more marketable as I continue to learn and grow.

I also purchased a car for the first time on my own. To some it may not seem like a big deal, but to a girl who always drove whatever vehicle her dad and then her husband bought, it was uncharted territory. I educated myself, narrowed it down to the make, model, year and mileage and began my pursuit. It was an exciting process; I’m happy with my choice and love whipping around metro Detroit in my little Honda CRV.

During the summer, I traveled to Hungary for a mission’s trip teaching English. I worked with a team of teachers and missionaries I had never met before and stayed with a wonderful Hungarian family. I don’t think a smile left my face the entire time. It was such an awesome experience and the highlight of my year.

Then in the fall, I decided to sell my house, downsize and move to a condo. Even though I knew that moving would be necessary at some point, it all came about rather quickly and when God sets things in motion, you just go with it. From Labor Day until last week, putting my house on the market, packing, and moving became all consuming. I spent hours going through every box, shelf, nook and cranny. I organized, sorted, donated and purged, determined not to keep unnecessary stuff. I could not have done it alone. Many friends helped; Paige came home on weekends and tackled whatever list I had for her. We face-timed Parker to ask what he wanted and show him our progress. And then there were my parents, who deserve the biggest shout-out of all. They worked tirelessly alongside me over the weekends and then fulfilled dozens of tasks during the week while I continued to work full-time. They kept me going when I wanted to quit. They knew I didn’t enjoy the process and didn’t make me feel bad when I worked quietly engrossed in my own thoughts or when I let the grumpiness slip out. Somehow they knew when I’d reached my limit and couldn’t make another decision that day.

You see, deciding to move was something I knew with my head was right, but my heart fought it the whole way. There were many emotions that had to be dealt with as I closed the door on the last house where we lived as a family of four. The home Patrick and I fixed up and where we could have stayed forever. We shared this home with hundreds of students and families. 16 years was the longest I’d ever lived at any one address. But I knew it was time and I knew I needed to go through it. It was the wisest thing to do financially. So like any other tasks I need to accomplish, I made my lists and started checking things off, one item at a time until it was done.

Buying a car and the trip to Hungary were endeavors I was nervous, but excited to embark upon. Selling my house was a challenge I needed to face, but didn’t want to. However, I truly believe all this year’s events were gifts of God’s graciousness to keep me busy. Business and activity help keep the loneliness at bay, which is the most prevalent pain from the loss of a spouse. To be doing life by yourself, without a companion, well I don’t know that I will ever get used to that.

Patrick’s memory brings me smiles. I can now honestly say I’m glad he didn’t suffer with that terrible disease any longer. Early on, I wished he had the “slow version” of ALS, but now I’m glad he didn’t. God spared us all on that one. I remember the good times and think of Patrick when he was whole and well. The photo above shows his perspective of life. He was helping our good friends load up their daughter for her first year away at college. He was always cheering everyone on and looking at the positive of every experience. I imagine he is enjoying Heaven and encouraging me to continue pressing on here.

I miss my husband every day; I think of him often. I know what he would say and think and do. I sometimes “talk” to him. I know he’s not there, but I equate it to talking to myself, of which I have no shame that I also do. His absence is a hole that I will always carry. Yet, I do feel like a whole person again. No longer do I think I have a sign on my head that shouts “widow,” I’m just Dena. My personality has returned, even though I’m changed in many ways. My faith is stronger and my God is with me. I don’t have anything to fear and so I don’t.

Patrick’s story ended, but mine did not. His legacy lives on through my life, through Paige and Parker’s lives, and through the hundreds of people who were touched in one way or another by his life.

I don’t know what’s in my future, but I am no longer dreading it. God has proven himself to me over and over again. He will walk with me in 2016 with whatever He brings my way, as I continue to move forward.

 Philippians 3:13-14 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

 

 

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Comments
  1. Kathy says:

    Thank you for journaling. Even though my marriage is struggling, I know it would to walk this walk. You are an encouragement. This would be a great book.

  2. Sherry Boyle says:

    Beautifully expressed, as always. May God continue to bless, lead and guide you in every way in the coming year — and throughout the rest of your life.

  3. nannykramer says:

    Thank you, again, for processing your thoughts, putting them in print, and sharing with others. You are a good teacher as you follow the Lord.

    Sherry

  4. Karen Davis says:

    What an uplifting report! God had definitely helped you through some milestones this past year, and I’m happy that He is also helping you through the loss of Patrick. You are definitely an encouragement to so many!

  5. BRENDA says:

    Well said !!! HAPPY NEW YEAR🎊🎊🎊

    Brenda

  6. Julie says:

    Dena, this morning when I woke I prayed for you and thinking where did two years go…then I read your blog and saw it had been three!
    Like many others, I have followed your journey from the beginning, before Patrick was called home to heaven, through his illness and your grief! Your gift to articulate on pen/paper this journey, it’s joys, sorrows, pain, grace and beauty have been a voice for so many who grieve in their own lives privately! I will never be able to adequately express to you how God has used your faithfulness to openly share your grief with all us/me and it’s impact on my life! While I know all grief is not the same, reading your blogs has helped me not to feel so alone in my journey! So I thank you and thank God for you and the blessings/encouragement that has been brought to me through your voice!
    My devotions had me in the exact same verse this morning! Then I wrote this quote next to the verse in my Bible..”Your most important work is always ahead of you, never behind you” -Stephen Covey
    Happy New Year to you and your family Dena!

  7. clarkbarmi says:

    Sent from my Verizon Wireless 4G LTE smartphone

  8. laurieeller says:

    This brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. I pray for you all the time and am so happy your path is clear. ❤️

  9. Judy Stafne says:

    GOD BLESS YOU!!!

  10. Dan/Sandy Morehead says:

    Thank you again for sharing your life with those that love and support you in prayer and friendship. Your encouragement of what God has done for you has blessed us.

  11. denise says:

    Dena – Thank you for sharing. My boss passed away in March of ALS and struggled for almost 5 years. It is horrible to see someone deteriorate before your eyes.

    There is a big difference between her and Patrick though. She was MISERABLE! Totally consumed with her disease, and afraid to die. Through your journey, I saw that Patrick had true JOY! He lived and loved well. He had Jesus.

    I tried to be an example and a good witness to her, but she didn’t want to change anything in her life, and I think wanted to be miserable.

    May you be richly blessed in the year to come.

  12. D Smith says:

    I miss getting your uplifting and inspirational messages on the 26th every month. I pray you are well.

  13. Monika Lewis says:

    I lost my husband of 19 years to ALS last June. He passed away within 2 1/2 years of his diagnosis at the age of 42. He was the light of my life and I miss him more than words can say. I really relate to your words and am so sorry for your loss. Nothing prepares us for losing someone we love. I hope that each day brings you just a little more peace.

  14. Mike spencer says:

    Yup good to read. I lost my lovely to ALS 6 years ago. Everything you said resonated. Kenni had the fast version. 43 years went quickly! Hard work to move forward…not very good at it!

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