Would I Say “I Do” Again?

Twenty-four years ago today, I said “I do” to my best friend. The vows we read were traditional so much so that a few of Patrick’s aunts were uncomfortable with the “submit” part and told me later I didn’t need to do that! LOL! Like every young bride, I truly meant every word I spoke even though I couldn’t have possibly understood what it would be like to really live them out. It’s like reading about having a baby…you don’t fully understand until you are in the delivery room.

At the end of the vows we looked each other in the eye and said “til death do us part.” Those are probably the words I thought the least about. Who thinks about death when they are 23? Now here I am a widow in my 40’s. Eighteen months ago, when we received the diagnosis of ALS, I started thinking a lot about dying and now six months since Patrick’s death, I am still wrapping my brain around it. Like reading about it before, it didn’t really mean much until now when I am actually living it. It’s a million times worse than anyone can imagine. Each step is painful and the hole is huge. I have read a lot of books on grief and the best illustration I can find is that losing a spouse is like losing a limb. It’s complete amputation….without anesthesia. And even when everyone else has moved on and thinks the amputee is doing ok because they are functioning, that person is keenly aware that their former life is over and nothing will ever be the same. Some days the fog is thicker than others, but everything requires effort.

Without God, I don’t know how people survive this…It is only with His Word and His Spirit that I am daily getting out of bed and doing the next thing. I am not strong – quite the opposite; I’m not hanging on by a thread…God is carrying me. Many passages of Scriptures get me through each day. I’m so thankful for years of memorizing because sometimes I can’t even open my BIble, I just quote verses in my head all day long. Thinking of Christ on the cross and His suffering for me is comforting…along with the fact that He is suffering with me now and holds all my tears in a bottle. Psalm 143 is my current favorite and I feel like David wrote it for me – I am breathing it in and out all day long. My head believes the truth, but my heart lags behind…It’s a battle to focus on the eternal perspective when the pain is overwhelming.

But looking back on my wedding day and knowing now what the journey brought us…would I say “I do” again? Without a moment’s hesitation….DEFINITELY! Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but it was solid and we had many more good times than bad. Patrick was my best friend and we were partners in everything. Life with him was an adventure filled with joy. God allowed us many, many times of blessing….the privilege of serving the Lord next to him was so fulfilling. Bringing our two children, Paige  and Parker, into the world and sharing the joys and challenges of parenting, is a forever blessing. After so many years of marriage, you become a lot like each other and there are many qualities of Patrick’s that changed me for the better. I could go on and on. It was my privilege to be his wife and my honor to care for him through the ugliness of one of the most debilitating diseases there is. And although I never could have imagined such a thing, I am thankful I was by his side and able to hold His hand and watch him take his last breath, knowing that God was welcoming Him into Heaven. And now he is in a perfect place, pain free and he’s talking, eating, singing, laughing and running in the presence of His Savior.

Yes, I am still struggling and some days I selfishly want him back with me. Honestly, I do not look forward to the future without him. I still have a long road of grief and mourning to go through. But I know I am right where God wants me to be. Faith and suffering do go hand in hand; sadness and belief are not opposites.

“For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life; In your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.” (Psalm 143:11–read the entire chapter when you have time)